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Weekend Feature:


    OMG - The Office Christmas Party: Will Covid-19 interfere with the sacred traditions of the Australian Office / Work Christmas Party?
It’s Christmas party season and by now HR should have sent an all-staff email warning you that 'It is a work function and an appropriate standard of conduct is expected' - Oh really ?

Much of the focus is normally (& rightly) on sexual harassment and bullying - but there are plenty of other ways to have your night – and career – ruined.

I have catalogued the way you can torpedo your career (or at least have regrets the next day) at the office Christmas party, so here we go:

1) Consider the future when you consider your costume

Back in the day we had a themed 'Dress as a Favourite News Story Christmas party'.

Themed parties seemed like fun at the time.

There's the boss, carrying around an enormous rock on his back, he's dressed as a 'Trapped Chilean miner'.

Barry from HR was dressed as 'Pippa Middleton’s arse' – not Pippa Middleton the person – just her arse!!

Then there was Amanda from accounting, wrapped in a blood-splattered sheet - 'Bin Laden’s corpse'.

And there you where - I can’t say exactly what you wore but your work-wife was dressed as 'Boko Haram'.

There’s a video of her on Facebook running around the party trying to kidnap all the junior girls from the office.

It would appear that photo evidence will preclude a jump into politics for any of the above.

They can never be part of public life.

Nowadays we are wiser; You never, ever wear a costume to a Christmas party.

2) Look at me!

Hey I know I am junior right now cannot help you in any political, office-y way.

But I am a person! One day I might be important!

But even if I am not, I am STILL A PERSON.

So when you are talking to me at the Christmas party, don’t look over my shoulder, scanning the room for someone more important, so you can leave our conversation mid-sentence when I am telling you about driving my dad to chemo.

I know you’re scanning for someone more important.

It sucks. I used to admire you and worked up the courage to talk to you, but now I think you’re a dick.

Look at me!

3) Don’t be the last to leave

You’re having so much fun.

You don’t know these people well – Sharon is from payroll and Sean has something to do with IT – but they are your new best friends, you’re going to have lunch with them every week and have already told them about your taxi expenses scam and your work crush.

They are so understanding and actually listen to you, not like your own team who left hours ago.

Losers! You are going to kick on with your new best friends – Shereen and Dean – or whatever their names are; you are going to the only place open in Port Macquarie at 3am: McDonalds !

You are just going to have one last round (Quarter with fries, apple pie & shake) and you are going to tell them again how much you love them, because you REALLY DO.

4) Be careful of getting into Ubers with colleagues

Chris lives right near you! You’re leaving at the same time! Why don’t you just split a ride?

Sounds reasonable, but your colleagues don’t see that you’ve made a financial arrangement and saved $20.

They see you leaving the party and going home with another colleague.

They think instead of negotiating who to drop off first, you’re actually asking “Your place or mine?”

When people ask the next day if there was “any gossip from the party”, they will be getting high off the fumes of your unlikely affair (“I’ve never even seen them talk to each other, that’s how careful they are!!!”).

5) Employer exclusion zone

At the Christmas party, pretend your boss has an AVO (Apprehended Violence Order) out against you and you cannot approach within 30 metres of him or her.

If you approach them, imagine getting tasered.

Remember the last time you thought you’d talk to your boss at the Christmas party?

It all came out. How you didn’t like him at first.

How when he said that thing in the meeting you thought he was stupid.

But how he’s really getting there, he’s really improved, and don’t you think in light of the fact he’s improved and you’re giving him all this really great feedback at the Christmas party, you deserve a pay rise?

In the words of the Fourth Wise Man, Ronan Keating: “You say it best when you say nothing at all.”

6) The bad-angle Facebook tagger

Is there anything worse than waking from the office Christmas party, hungover, and finding you’ve been tagged in dozens of photos posted on social media.

There you are, in all your horrible glory: cross-eyed, triple-chinned and with one weirdly large hand.

Of course she looks good – it’s her photo!

She probably deleted all the pictures where she had a chin that looks like a claw hammer, but where is her duty of care to you?

7) Bring your own cigarettes

There is only one smoker in your office, Gene, who everyone shuns because he stinks up the elevator and takes so many smokos that it’s now like his work constitutes small breaks in his smoking regime.

Yeah, Gene is generally hated.

But not tonight! Everyone loves Gene because Gene has the smokes.

And the party is full of people who are drunk and have regressed to their 20-year-old selves, their smoking selves.

All over the party, there is only one conversation: “You got ciggies? Who’s got ciggies? Gene’s got ciggies? Where’s Gene?”

Gene is already spending $250 a week on ciggies. Bring your own.

Blessings on your journey !


Office Christmas Party Etiquette

  • This Weeks 'Featured Stories':
    The Funny & The Weird:

    No Loud Noises Or Sudden Movements!

    1)  What do you call a naughty child who doesn’t believe in Santa?

    A rebel without a Claus.

    2)What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

    Tinselitis.

    3) What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

    The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

    4) Did you know that Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys this year?

    It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

    5) I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!

    6) Why are Comet, Cupid, and Donner, and always wet?

    Because they are rain deer.

    7) What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

    A Holly Davidson.

    8) To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.

    9) I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace”

    So I bought her nothing.

    10) What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?

    St. O’Claus!

    11) The 3 stages of man:

    He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

    12) What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly?

    Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

    13) Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?

    “Rude”olph

    14) What’s the most popular Christmas carol in the desert?

    Oh caaamel ye faithful.

    15) What do elves learn in school?

    The Elf-abet!

    16) Who is never hungry at Christmas?

    The turkey – he’s always stuffed!

    17) How do you scare a snowman?

    You get a hairdryer!

    18) What’s black and white and red all over?

    Santa covered with chimney soot.

    19) How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?

    On the dark side.

    20) Mary and Joseph – now they had a stable relationship.

    21) What do you call an incomplete Christmas sentence?

    A Santa clause.

    22) What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?

    Claustrophobic.

    23) What nationality is Santa Claus?

    North Polish.

    24) What do you get if you cross Santa with a vampire?

    Frostbite.

    25) What do you call a lobster who won’t share any of his Xmas presents?

    Shellfish.

    26) What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?

    Santa Clues.

    27) What’s a lion’s favourite carol?

    Jungle Bells.

    28) How can you tell when Santa’s close by?

    You can sense his presents.

    29) I’ve bought my kids a pack of batteries for Christmas with a note saying:

    ‘Toys not included’.

    Spread the love


The Two Ronnies Christmas Special 1982

Classic British comedy : 'The Two Ronnies' attracted audiences in their tens of millions, so a Christmas Special was a big event and this festive outing from 1982 doesn't disappoint.

Alongside the rib-tickling musical numbers and monologues are sketches including 'Chas and Dave', 'Sid and George and the Pet Buffalo', 'The Bad Mannered Eater', 'The Lordship Ringers', 'The Tree', and 'Dr Spalding the Memory Doctor'.

Plus special guest David Essex sings 'A Winters Tale'.

'The Two Ronnies' was a British television comedy sketch show created by Bill Cotton for the BBC, which aired on BBC1 from April 1971 to December 1987.

It featured Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett, the two Ronnies of the title.

Comments:

mick2d2

"She wants to have the telly on, he wants to have it off" some things are timeless!

David Gillett UK

I remember when we waited for months looking forward to their Christmas special. Happier simpler days.

Now it's just crass banal so called celebrity posers being anything but amusing.

robert harding

Many people of my age , 60, will have so many great memories of this classic comedy duo, and can I say , you can rest in riotous peace.

Inga Eubanks

the jokes come so rapidly that it's easy to miss such gems as: He can pickle onions just by breathing on them - priceless

Scillian Gecko

RIP CHAS  this was amazing take off of chas and dave now chas has passed RIP PAL

Jeff Allinson

The greatest comedy duo of all time who drew in millions of viewers, and for good reason. They were the very best. R.I.P to them both.

Corrine Cummings

Telly before patronising the audience was popular.

Gina Sigillito

I loved these two so much as a kid. What a treat to see this again.

Paul the tall dark handsome one!

I have relived my childhood watching this...

KT the 90s girl

This two were comic genius, they are both sadly missed but they are now together again. RIP two comic genius <3

Got milk

Two legends of British comedy.There cracking everyone up where ever they are now.R.I.P

SuperZedd

The Tree sketch is one of my favourites.

davina davis

classic christmas

Online Identity

I loved watching the Xmas specials as a kid. Brings back brilliant memories !

robert harding

Timeless British comedy ! These two take some beating.

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